My Newbie's New Self
by Elma MacBetsy
Summary: After 'My Cake', JD leaves to work at a hospital in his hometown. A year later, Doctor Cox visits him and isn't happy with the way things have turned out for him.
1. Chapter 1

**My Newbie's New Self**

I walked into the reception of the hospital, where Newbie had been working for the past year, almost nervously. I hadn't been planning to visit him as to me that would mean I must have missed him, which I didn't. I was a little concerned about him, sure, especially since Carla had been telling me that they hardly ever spoke to JD anymore. He always said he had to work or something. I'd just reminded her that the first few months in a new hospital are always stressful and busy, but I don't think I reassured her much.

Anyway, the point was that I was only here because Kelso had forced me to come to some stupid medical conference around here, so I thought I may as well drop by and call him a girls name or something for old time's sake. And I was a _little_ curious to see how well he'd do in a hospital without his three girlfriends. I looked around, and since I didn't see him I decided to ask at the nurses' station in front of me. I stepped up and waited for the woman behind the desk to notice me.

"Yes?" She looked up at me from the book she was reading.

"I was just wondering if you could drag yourself away from whatever cheesy romance novel you girls are passing around this week and help me find someone." I informed her with a huge smile on my face.

"If you could just tell me who you're looking for…?" She prompted, somewhat frostily. Oh yeah. This wasn't Sacred Heart. People here wouldn't know not to take half of what I said seriously.

"I'm looking for Joa…er, JD." She looked at me with a confused expression. "He's a doctor here?" I tried again.

"What kind of name is 'Jay Dee'?" She asked incredulously

"Nickname, actually…" I muttered, frowning. I'd never heard anyone apart from the patients call JD anything other than that. I mean, sure, I called him whatever popped into my head when I saw him, Laverne called him Q-tip. Carla called him Bambi, but we all knew that he wished we would call him JD. How could his new hospital not know that?

"Sir, if you could give me an actual name…?" She sounded more than a little irritated.

"John. John Dorian. I'm…" Ok, what was I? I could hardly say that I was his unwilling and uncooperative mentor. "I'm an old friend." That made it sound like we'd gone to college together or something, and that really was a scary thought. I actually had to make an effort to keep from shuddering. "From his old hospital, I mean." Her eyebrows had shot up.

"Dorian has _friends_?" I frowned at her. She composed herself. "Sorry. He should be down the hall in room 102." I nodded my silent thanks and turned down the corridor she'd pointed at. I was incredibly confused. How could JD not have friends here? He was one of those insanely likeable guys who almost everyone was friends with. Yeah, he annoyed the hell out of me, but I didn't _really_ mind him that much.

I walked down the corridor slowly, but still seemed to get to room 102 in no time at all. I peered through the open door and saw JD standing at the foot of the patient's bed filling out a chart. He was wearing a white coat. It seemed weird for Newbie to be wearing it, but then I remembered that he wasn't a 'Newbie' at being a doctor here. I could only have been there for a few seconds and I could've sworn that I'd been almost silent approaching the door, but I suddenly realised that he was looking right at me. He looked so different. Nothing about him said 'quirky, young naïve kid'. He looked a lot more mature, he wasn't so scrawny, and had he always been that tall? He finished with the chart, put it back on the foot board of the bed and left the room, completely ignoring me. I turned quickly, ready to follow him. Instead, all I could think was how different his walk was, too. I shook my head to snap myself out of it and finally chased after him.

"Newbie! Newbie!" I even tried my trademark whistle. He paused briefly and I thought that he was going to wait for me, but all he did was stick his head through the door he'd stopped next to.

"Hey, Clarissa, how's about instead of wasting your time in here, you move on to someone who actually stands a chance." There was a muffled voice from the other side of the door. "I'm sorry, was I not clear enough? Move!" A short, red haired intern came running out of the door. I was shocked. Newbie, yelling at someone? There had been that time when he'd yelled at us all a couple of years ago when he was dating that coma patient's wife, but he'd never yelled at an intern before. What he did next shocked me even more. "It's nothing personal Mrs. Wilkins, he's just not even your doctor." Newbie had just yelled at an intern in front of a patient as well as almost _told_ said patient that she was going to die. What was going on? And the girls name thing? That was _mine_!

We finally reached the cafeteria, which was good as I realised that it was lunchtime. I was a few steps behind JD as I'd refused to actually run after him. That seemed too much like something out of a bad romance film, and I just wasn't into that, especially not with Newbie. He grabbed a tray and got into the line, but almost immediately he moved straight to the till after glaring at the interns in front of him until they moved out of the way. He bought his lunch and then sat down alone at a table in the corner next to the window. I hurriedly paid for my own lunch and sat down opposite him.

"Say, Nancy, I know it's been a while, but surely you remember how I feel about being ignored? So if you want to, you can tell me that you just didn't see me and I'll be more than happy to play along." He finally looked up at me, his face showing no emotion.

"I saw you. I didn't ignore you." I frowned.

"In what way was refusing to answer me and failing to recognise my, and we may as well say it, _awe_-inspiring presence _not_ ignoring me?" I asked him, almost annoyed.

"There wasn't anything that needed to be said. Besides, I sometimes struggle to respond to things that aren't my name." I stared at him.

"I've always called you Newbie." I was so stunned by how… different he was, I couldn't even muster up a sarcastic response, and he was still expressionless which was really quite freaky.. "Ok, so sometimes I call you whatever girls name pops into my head, which, by the way-" He cut me off, before I could ask about his stealing of _my_ _thing_. Ok, maybe I was taking it a little personally, but still…

"No one's called me anything other than Dr. Dorian in almost a year." He stated.

"Oh." I responded, not sure what else to say.

"So why are you here?" He asked.

"Kelso sent me to a medical conference around here." I explained. Seriously, what was wrong with JD?

"Great." He stated, as if he thought that what I'd just said was irrelevant. "But why are you _here_?" I opened my mouth to answer, only to realise that I wasn't sure what to say. As I'd told myself earlier, to say that I'd come to visit would be like admitting that I'd missed him, and that was _not_ true.

"I thought that since I was in the neighbourhood I'd drop in and…" I trailed off. Also earlier, I'd said that I'd call him a girls name for old time's sake, but I'd already done that. "Say hi?" I tried. JD sighed and put his head in his hands.

"You shouldn't have come." He said flatly.

"Well why the hell not Priscilla? You can't honestly be saying that me taking the time to visit isn't what you've been dreaming about for the past twelve months. Hell, I'd have thought-"

"Yeah, _you_'d have thought." He snapped. I was completely stunned. Maybe he'd finally filled that prescription for testicles I'd given him a couple of years back. "I haven't worked with you in a year. I'm respected here, people listen to me, and I've managed to become a damn good doctor, so don't come barging into my life and assume nothing's changed. I don't want or need your opinion anymore." He was glaring at me, which I supposed was better than no expression at all. Still, I wasn't used to an angry Newbie. The last time it happened I'd punched him in the face, but he _had_ shoved me. I didn't know what to do this time. So I decided to take the easy option

"Well that's just dandy." I said quietly before I stood up and left the cafeteria. Just before I closed the door, I looked back at him over my shoulder. He was leaning back in his chair, arms folded over his chest, and staring tiredly out the window.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm glad people seem to like it. It's my first Scrubs fanfiction, so I really wasn't sure about it. **

**For the time being, I'll update fairly regularly, as I've got the first 3 or 4 chapters already written out.**

Although I'd let him 'win' earlier, I'd decided that I wasn't going to leave without finding out why the hell Newbie had become so… cold. Technically I was supposed to be at the conference by now, but I'd chosen to skip it. It wasn't the first time I'd 'played hooky' from one of these things. All it meant was that the resident who'd been forced to go with me would just have to take notes for the both of us.

Currently I was sitting in my car sipping a cup of awful, awful coffee, waiting for Newbie's shift to end. I'd already been here for three hours, and I thought that if I had to wait any longer, I'd probably end up going back into the hospital and demanding that JD told me what was going on. Luckily he came out only a few minutes later. He glanced around briefly, and I wondered if he was checking to make sure I wasn't waiting for him. I watched him walk down the ramp leading into the car park, similar to the one at Sacred Heart. I opened my door and got out of my car, still watching him. He reached the car park exit and made a left. I hurried to catch up as if I lost him I'd have to spend all day tomorrow waiting for him again. Luckily, he didn't go far – only to a bar round the corner. I followed him in and stood just inside the entrance, watching him. He sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I decided that now was the time to make my entrance. I walked over to him, but my witty greeting was lost when I saw what he'd ordered.

"You don't drink scotch." I told him, despite the obvious evidence to the contrary.

"I knew you were following me." He responded. I sat down next to him. "What are you _still_ doing here?" I hesitated to respond. Truth was, originally I had just wanted to see him. Ghandi, Barbie and Carla's worries about him hadn't bothered me. I just figured that he needed time to get used to the new hospital and whatnot. But having seen him…

"I'm worried about you." I told him bluntly. He sighed.

"Did Carla send you?" He asked. I shook my head.

"Honestly Simone, I really did just decide to drop by since I was here anyway. I guess I was curious to see how you'd cope without the three musketeers to save you." I didn't mention that I'd also been curious to see how he'd cope without me, but I think he got that.

"So you expect me to believe that Turk and Carla haven't been telling you every single worry they have about me?" I shrugged.

"Not so much Ghandi. Mainly Carla, and sometimes Barbie." He nodded, looking unsurprised.

"What'd they say?" He asked, only sounding mildly interested.

"They said you were avoiding talking to them and you'd always been 'too busy' for them to visit." He shrugged.

"And what do you think?" He asked. I gave him a small smile.

"I thought you didn't want or need my opinion." I reminded him. He shrugged again and sipped his drink.

"I don't. I was being polite." I nodded. I supposed that was fair enough. Still, this was a weird conversation. JD was yet to say anything stupid or zone out or do anything that a conversation with him usually entailed. It was odd that this was what I'd always thought I wanted him to be like, and now that he was… It wasn't right.

"Ok." We were left in silence and I took the opportunity to order a drink. Again, it was odd without JD doing everything possible to fill the silence. "Well, since you did ask, at first I thought it was just Carla overreacting, like she's always done. But now I'm here… Something's seriously wrong, kid. I just wish you'd had the sense to talk to someone about it." He shrugged. Again.

"Nothing's wrong. I've been talking to everyone as much as I can manage. The only reason they don't think it's enough is because they've been so used to me being there 24/7. It's not _me_ they miss, it's all the things I used to do for them without them even knowing." I frowned, but I sensed that it was probably a bad idea to tell him I thought he was wrong.

"Maybe that's true. But you're not yourself, JD. Honest to God, you're not." He stiffened.

"It's not JD anymore." That would explain why the nurse at the hospital didn't know who I was talking about.

"Ok, so what is it then?" His answer surprised me.

"It's not anything. I don't do first names anymore. I'm just Dr. Dorian." Suddenly I was hit by how similar he was to me. For a long time, no one at Sacred Heart had the faintest idea what my name was.

"Good God JD, you've turned into me." I muttered. He looked straight at me.

"No. I haven't." I shrugged. He could say whatever, but I knew I was right. Everyone there either hated him or was terrified of him. He was acting like a hard-ass, but I was positive there was no way Newbie could stop caring. He definitely wasn't big on emotions other than anger. Hell, he probably almost lived at the hospital, too.

"How can you not see it?" I asked, slightly incredulously.

"You _cared_." Was all he offered me.

"JD… What happened to you?" He just turned away and motioned with a finger for the bartender to re-fill his glass, before carrying on with what he'd been saying.

"I'm not as proud as you. I had a rough time, and I can admit that I didn't come out the other side. I can admit that I couldn't handle it."

"JD…" He sighed. "JD, you don't have to stay here. You can come back to Sacred heart. That's where all your little friends are, after all." He shook his head.

"You know I can't." I didn't say anything. I didn't know whether it was because I knew he was right or because I thought he was wrong. We sat in quiet for a few minutes. "You should go. I know you've got no intention of going to that conference, so you may as well go home now and have a few days off." I knew what he really meant. Even though he'd just opened up to me as much as he was probably capable of now, he still didn't want me around. I didn't blame him. I understood that desire to be alone. But I also understood that the worst thing to do was to feed it.

"No." I told him. He sighed and turned away from me slightly. I decided that I'd carry on anyway. "JD, I don't know what happened to change you. Last time I saw you, you were fine. But…" But what? I was awful at dealing with emotional conversations like this.

"You're really not leaving?" He looked at me hopefully. I smiled. Maybe I could get the old JD back.

"I'm really not." He smiled back.

"That's great." His face hardened. "It means I can leave right now without being obligated to any kind of soppy goodbyes and well-wishing." He stood up, tossed a few bank notes onto the bar and left. I stared after him. Had this entire conversation been fake? I had no way of knowing. I paid for my drink and stepped outside. I headed back to the hospital car park to get my Porsche and go back to the hotel.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you everyone for the feedback. I think this is the first multi-chapter story that I'm actually going to finish! **

**Flashbacks are in italics.**

I sat on the edge of the bed in the fairly cheap hotel that Kelso had provided. Usually the first thing I'd do would be to find somewhere classier, but I'd spent so long driving around aimlessly before I got here, there wasn't any time. I wasn't sure what to do about Newbie. I was pretty certain that he wanted me to leave. Sure, he'd said as much earlier that evening, but I meant that he wasn't just saying he wanted me to leave to keep up an act or something. I still had no idea how much of what he'd said had been for real. I was awful at dealing with emotions so I had no idea if I should be giving him space right now or forcing him to spend time with me or what. I would have to phone Carla and ask her about it. But first, I wanted to call Jordan and…_talk_. I had no idea where the impulse came from, but I guess I just wanted to talk about JD to someone who didn't really care. I picked up the phone and dialled my home phone number.

"Hello?" Jordan answered slightly groggily. I hoped to God I hadn't woken her, or else there'd be hell to pay.

"Hi Jordan." I greeted.

"Perry?" She sounded almost surprised.

"Yeah…"

"Is everything ok?" I smiled despite myself. Even though Jordan and I had the whole mutual 'hatred' thing going for us, she really did know me. She could tell in an instant if something was wrong.

"It's been better." I gave a short, bitter chuckle. "Look, first off, I wanted to let you know that I might be here longer than I'd intended, so I might need you to get me some extra time off." She gasped.

"Oh God, did you actually _go_ to the conference and decide that you liked it so much you wanted to do it all over again?" I laughed.

"It was tempting. The canapés were delightfully crappy this year." She laughed.

"Seriously though, Per, what's wrong?"

"You remember all Newbie's little friends were constantly fretting about him not liking them anymore?"

"Yeah…"

"Well they were right. Sort of." She must've recognised the seriousness and concern evident in my voice because for once she didn't give sharp retort.

"Is DJ ok?" I sighed.

"He's…" I searched for the right word to describe it. "Broken. Jordan, he's turned into me, only worse."

"Worse than you? Is that even possible?" I chuckled bitterly. That's exactly what I'd always thought.

"Apparently so." I sighed. "I'd always told myself that I'd do everything I could to stop him becoming like me. I've always tried to discourage his hero-worship slash mentor thing." Jordan snorted. I ignored her. "He's just so…" I trailed off. She would understand.

"Yeah, I know." She said quietly.

"I know it sounds sappy, but now that I'm here, I've realised that I actually have missed him this year." I was met with silence for a few moments before Jordan burst out laughing.

"You're such a wuss!" She managed to stop laughing.

"Yeah, I know." I muttered.

"Don't worry about it. I mean I barely know him, and I missed him a bit." I rolled my eyes.

"No you didn't." She laughed again.

"Well, no, but I get why you did. He followed you everywhere for over three years. I mean I know you were trying to persuade everyone that you hated him, but I think he was the only one that believed you." I shrugged. He didn't really believe that I hated him. At least, I hoped not. "He's a good kid." I smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah, he is." Crying started up in the background.

"Listen, Per, I've got to go. Jack's woken up. I'll speak to you soon."

"Sure. Bye." I ended the call and stared at the phone. Jordan had been a lot more supportive than I'd expected. Maybe she had actually missed Newbie. Which reminded me, I was going to call Carla. I'd dialled half her number before I hesitated. I couldn't ask for her… I could barely say it… _help _without her finding out about Newbie, and I didn't think that would be helpful. She'd run off and tell everyone, then they'd all come here and try to 'fix' him and it would all end in tears, probably theirs, and of course they'd all undoubtedly blame me. I cancelled the number. I was just going to have to figure this out alone.

_I looked at my watch for the tenth time in the last half hour. Newbie was late. He was supposed to have been here over an hour ago. And of course, I was obligated to wait for him so I could yell at him, call him a girl's name and generally make him feel bad about himself. I was a bit curious about why he was so late, but now I was just angry! What right did he have to come to work at his own leisure, when I'd been here since half an hour before my shift started. I looked up as the door opened._

_If I hadn't been so mad, I might have noticed that his normally styled hair was flat and hanging down over his forehead, that his skin was almost white and that his eyes were red. But I was, so I didn't. I gave him my trademark whistle._

"_Melissa! Just what the hell do you think you're doing? You do realise you were supposed to be here more than an hour ago? I know, I know, it's probably not that important. I mean it's not like anyone could've died… Now hang on a second, aren't you supposed to be, and yes, I said 'supposed to be', because frankly, it's debatable that you actually are, a doctor? Well gosh darn it, that means that in the hour you were elsewhere, someone could have died, because you were too damn busy to come into this hellhole and do something at least mildly useful, like not killing people. Now yes, I know, you and your gal-pal stayed up past your bedtime last night because you were just so busy painting your pretty little toenails, but I re-he-heally couldn't care less. So now to make it up to you, me and your patients, get your pathetic, scrawny ass to work." I stood frowning at him, waiting for him to run away and then, inevitably, fall down. Instead, he stared blankly at me. I whistled again. "Sheila, were you listening to me at all just now?" And then he said two words. Two words that I hadn't expected to hear in a million years._

"_Dan's dead." His voice was quiet and hoarse, and I almost didn't hear him. I stood staring at him. I didn't know what to say. I blinked. He turned around and walked right back out of the hospital. After a second, I ran after him, knowing that I had to do something. _

_As I caught up to him, I heard him muttering to himself._

"…_shouldn't have come here…a mistake…should've listened to Carla…taken the day off."_

"_Newbie!" I grabbed his arm before he could reach his scooter and turned him around to face me. "Newbie, I…" I trailed off. Dammit! I still didn't know what to say. He shook his head._

"_Forget it. I know you're not good at this. Besides, I don't wanna get punched in the face again." I flinched slightly. That was definitely not something I was proud of._

"_Look…I'm sorry…" He waved what I was saying away. I frowned. He'd only found out this morning. Why was he suddenly acting like he was ok with it? "Seriously. Don't worry about it. I'm not."_

_I could have killed him. Wasn't I proof enough that you shouldn't ignore your emotions? If he didn't get through this now, would he ever? Well to Hell with it, it wasn't my problem. He was on his own._

"_Fine." I muttered, and turned back inside the hospital_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for reading!**

The next morning I was sitting outside the hospital in my car waiting for Newbie to arrive. It had occurred to me that some people might describe this as stalking, but they were obviously idiots. I'd decided that I was going to spend as much time as possible with the kid and force him to tell me what had happened to change him. After that… well I hadn't planned that far ahead. I turned my head and almost screamed (it was really more of an intake of breath) when I saw Newbie standing right next to the window, his arms folded, looking angry. I couldn't figure out how it was that I hadn't seen him approach. Usually I always knew who was around me without looking, but for some reason the kid had actually managed to sneak up on me.

I slowly opened the car door and stood in front of him. We stood there for a few minutes staring at each other.

"Why are you _still_ here?!" He finally asked. I shrugged.

"I want to know why you're not the bubbly, flirty teenage girl you always used to be, and I'm not leaving until I find out, princess." I told him. He raised an eyebrow.

"You know some people might call this stalking." I shrugged. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Look, I'm actually going to be honest with you. I don't know why you're here or what you're trying to do, but I do know that you're wasting your time. Just give it up. Please." I shrugged again.

"When have I listened to what _you_ think you 'know'? Besides, for the first time in, well…_ever_, I'm prepared to listen to you while you moan, whine and generally complain about your feelings. So isn't now about the time you should be starting squealing, dancing and crying _happy_ tears, of _joy_?" JD began to walk away, but then suddenly turned back to face me?

"Why do you even _care_? All the years we worked together, it was just constantly girls names and my being incompetent, any moment of weakness met with a punch in the face, both figuratively and literally! And _now_ youcare? _Now_ you want to talk to me? Well excuse me for having a problem with that." He turned away again, only to whirl back around after only a second. "In fact, you want to hear something funny? This is what you always wanted. Me out of your hair. No more girly crap. Finally 'growing a pair'. But oh no, _poor, wittle Pewwy_! He's finally got what he was so damn sure he wanted, and it's still not enough! What, you came back here because you're bored without your lapdog to kick? Thought you'd come here and make me suffer again, for old times' sake? And now you're here, I'm not eating out of your hands anymore, and you can't stand that, can you? Can't stand that your _Newbie_ doesn't spend every God damn day trying to please you anymore. Well who gives a crap?" He finally stormed off. I was unable to move I was so shocked. Actually that was beginning to become a pretty regular occurrence. Also, I was at least a little proud. That was a class A Cox rant. He would never have had the guts to do that last time I saw him. Something had caused this, for better or for worse. Now if only I wasn't so sure the something had been bad…

* * *

The previous night, I'd given a lot of thought to how I could get through to JD. I'd tried treating him like I used to and it hadn't worked. I'd tried treating him like I thought he'd always wanted me to and it hadn't worked. The truth was that I just didn't know how to talk to him anymore. And that just annoyed me more. Because since Newbie was acting like me, I should be able to relate to him better than anyone else in the world. Yet I couldn't do a damn thing.

From what he'd said so far, I'd only been able to figure out a little. The reason he didn't want me here wasn't because he didn't like me, or that I was annoying him. At least, it wasn't just that, I hoped. It was that he was scared that my presence would eventually draw the person he used to be out of him. That he'd be forced to _feel_ again. At any rate, that's what I thought, although I'd never been very good with empathising with people.

That still didn't help much. I knew that he wasn't going to tell me what had changed. He wasn't like that anymore. If I was going to get anywhere, I'd have to guess, and thus far the best way I could think of to make a start on that would be to ask around.

I entered the hospital slowly, having first made sure that Newbie was no where to be seen. I really didn't want yet another confrontation with him right now. I was about to go to the admissions desk and ask about him, like I'd done yesterday, when the intern who JD had shouted at before appeared.

"Uh…Hi." He greeted, somewhat nervously.

"Hey kid." I gave him a nod then proceeded to wait patiently (for once in my life) for him to continue speaking. He didn't. "Can I help you?" He looked away and awkwardly shifted his weight.

"Well…I-I heard some of the nurses talking about this guy that came in yesterday…" He trailed off, a faint blush touching his skin.

"Yes?" I prompted. He glanced away from me.

"It's stupid," he muttered under his breath. Tentatively his eyes returned to my face. "It's just that I saw him yelling at you earlier so I thought that you might…maybe be his…" He looked away again. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from torturing him. If this had been Sacred Heart…well, chances were he'd be too scared to come near me for at least six months.

"You heard the nurses talking about Dr. Dorian's visiting acquaintance, saw him yelling at me, and decided that I must therefore must be his best-est friend _ever_?" I gave him my best smile.

"Well, yeah." I glared at him. "I-I mean no…" I continued to glare at him. "I don't know?" He finally tried. I was about to turn away in disgust and get back to what I'd come here to do, but I didn't. I was curious about him. He reminded me a little of what JD had been like in his first year as at Sacred Heart. Besides, it was possible he knew something about JD that I needed to find out, so it was worth talking to him.

"Let's get some coffee, and then maybe we can talk…" I led him away with a hand on his shoulder.


	5. Chapter 5

**After this, I'm not sure how long it'll be until I put the next chapter up. I like to always stay at least 4 chapters ahead, and since school started last week I don't have so much time to write. Plus, I've got to the point of explaining what happened to JD, and I haven't entirely decided yet. I've had quite a few ideas, but I want to get it _right_. You know, like something major but not over the top. I'm fairly sure what I'm going to do, but I still need to put a little thought into it.**

"Ok, so what did you want?" I posed as my first question as soon as we'd sat down in the cafeteria.

"Uh, well, i-it's just…" He mumbled something that I couldn't hear and looked away, blushing slightly again.

"Look, I wouldn't usually give up my time for something like this, so make the most of it, would ya?" He looked at me blankly. "Don't. Mumble." I said slowly. He nodded.

"I was wondering how…how you got him to like you." I blinked.

"_What?!_" The intern shifted in his seat.

"I mean I try everything. I work hard so maybe he'll respect me as a doctor, I try to get him to come out with me after work, I've even tried leaving him alone, seeing as that's what he always says he wants." I shook my head in disbelief, unable to comprehend what I was being told.

"You want to know how I got Newbie to like me." I rolled my eyes at his confused expression. "Dr. Dorian." He nodded. "To tell you the truth kid, I can't help you." He frowned.

"But you must know. You came all the way here to see him, and-" I groaned. That was _exactly_ what I didn't want people to think.

"No, Lillian. The chief of medicine at my hospital sent me to some medical conference near here. I _really _would _not_ have come otherwise. I was never _friends_ with Dorian. Hell, I did everything I could to get him _not_ to like me. It just never worked."

"Oh." The intern nodded thoughtfully. "You're a lot like him." He added. I grimaced a little but didn't say anything.

"So now maybe you could help me?" I prompted. He looked at me with wide eyes.

"I don't know… I'm just an intern…" I leant forward slightly across the table.

"Don't worry," I said in a stage whisper. "I won't give you away. No one else need know." He gave me a strange look. "For God's sake, Mandy, could you please just try and get at least one of your two brain cells into action and listen to what I'm saying? Now, anything you can tell me about Dorian would be re-he-_heally_ useful, mmm-kay?" He still looked a little afraid, but at least he seemed like he was about to speak.

"I don't really know what to say. I'm not sure anyone knows much about him." I gritted my teeth together to stop myself getting started on useless interns. I'd intended to be nice to this one, after all.

"What was he like when he first got here?" I pushed.

"Different, I guess. In any case, that's what I've heard people say.."

"Heard?" I questioned.

"Well, he started here before me."

* * *

I really hadn't meant to growl at the intern. Or call him useless. Or any of the other things I'd said. It wasn't his fault that he had only been here for three months. I was just so frustrated. The kid, I was guessing, was probably the only person in the whole damn hospital who didn't hate JD. I wasn't sure anyone else would be willing to talk about him, unless it was to bitch and moan. I slumped down in one of the chairs in the waiting area and put my head in my hands, pushing my fingers against my closed eyes. I didn't need to get so stressed out about it. In fact, it wasn't like it was my responsibility if Newbie wanted to ruin his life. Why should I care? A year ago I might have felt accountable for his problems, but back then he was still convinced that I was his mentor. He didn't want me around anymore, so why was I still here? It was pathetic.

I had just about made my mind up to leave when I heard shouting. It took me a few moments to process it since I was thinking so deeply, but it was Newbie. I glanced up just in time to see him disappear around a corner. A group on nurses were huddled together, talking in quiet voices. Presumably they had been the ones to suffer the brunt of his rant. I stood up and went over to them, intending to ask them what had happened, but their conversation caught my attention.

"I heard he wasn't always like that."

"Yeah, me too. Graham said that-"

"Graham?"

"That red-headed intern that's always following him around. Apparently that guy who came in looking for him yesterday was really shocked to find out what our _great doctor_ is all about."

"It's true. You remember when he first came here?"

"Right. He was just this nice kid who was trying to be a badass, but you could tell he didn't really have it in him."

"I wonder what changed…"

So this thing, whatever it was, that had happened to JD had occurred while he was at his new hospital. That meant it didn't have anything to do with his brother or leaving his friends, which up until now had been my best guesses.

Without thinking, I began to walk down the hall that JD had turned into, looking through every open door to check if he was in a room. It wasn't too long until I found him, leaning against the wall in some sort of doctors' lounge. He lifted his head up when I closed the door, only to drop it again when he saw me. I heard him sigh.

"You don't want me here." I stated.

"How'd you figure that one out? It's like something you said once. Maybe it's because you just know me _so_ well. Or, maybe, it's because I told you." I ignored him.

"Why?" He pulled his head up and back, letting it hit the wall with an audible thud.

"Why what?" He asked tiredly.

"Why don't you want me here?" He scoffed.

"Haven't we already covered this? Like earlier this morning?" Again, I paid him no attention.

"You're scared." I saw he was about to make another comment so I hurriedly got to my point. "You're scared that anything from Sacred Heart is going to make you face whatever it is you're hiding from. That's why you don't talk to any of your old friends and it's why you don't want to talk to me now." He just closed his eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said quietly. "But please, I'm going to ask you this just once more. Please go home to Sacred Heart. You can tell everyone you saw me and I'm doing fine or you can tell them I'm a bastard who doesn't want them to phone anymore, whatever makes you happy. But please leave. I won't ever ask anymore from you if you just do this."

* * *

"_Doctor Cox!" I pinched the bridge of my nose. Here he came. Acting like everything was normal only a day after his brother… No, it was his problem, and I was sticking to my resolution not to get involved._

"_What is it Newbie?" I growled. As usual, he remained completely unaffected._

"_Look, I, uh…I really need to talk to you." I would've ignored it. I would've blown up at him about it. I would've walked away. But he had that 'I'm being completely serious, this is a real issue, not a whiny pathetic little girl crisis'. Or at least that's what I'd started to call it in my head. _

"_Sure, Hilda, why not?" I folded my arms, holding my clipboard against my chess. _

"_I'm leaving the hospital." He said so quietly I almost didn't hear him._

"_You're… Why?" I demanded. _

"_I know I've said that I was ashamed of Dan, and that's true. He could do so much more if he just… Anyway, living at home was never really a reason for that. My mom… Well she needs someone to take care of her. She's just… It's not important. The point it that Dan only stayed there so I could go to medical school and do this" he gestured randomly at the hospital around him. "But now…" He trailed off. I was happy, if a little surprised. I would never have to see him again and I was grateful for that, be it because he annoyed the Hell out of me or be it because getting close to me could only destroy him._

"_So, why are you here telling me this? Shouldn't you be off letting your boyfriend cry into your shoulder?" He looked away, clearly uncomfortable._

"_I haven't told Turk. Or Elliot and Carla. And I'm not going to. This thing with my mom… It's personal. All they have to know is that I need a change.." I shrugged. That was his choice._

"_So…why are you _here_ telling _me_ this?" _

"_I know you don't like me, but I need someone to write a recommendation letter for me, and I hoped…"_

"_You hoped that I'd do it? Now why on earth would you think I'd do that for you? We've met, right?" He smiled and laughed._

"_I'll be out of your hair faster, right?" He sobered. "I won't ever ask anymore from you if you just do this for me. Please?" What the Hell. I'd messed up almost every other time I'd tried to help him. This was the very least I could do._

"_Fine. I'll do it."_

* * *

"Sorry Ginger. You've already pulled that card." I whispered. He rubbed a hand over his face.

"Ok. Stay. Honest to God, I don't care anymore." He straightened up and left the room, shoulder bumping me on the way out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thankfully, I've finally decided on what exactly is going to happen with this. So yay. **

**Again, thank you for the reviews.**

For the next three days, we repeated the same routine. I'd sit in my car waiting for his shift to start; he'd ignore me. I'd walk around the hospital, sometimes following him, sometimes asking other staff members about him, sometimes just thinking; he'd ignore me. When he got off work, I'd go sit in the corner of the bar near the hospital that he went to; he'd ignore me. Frankly, I had no idea what I was trying to. What, did I think that if he spent long enough around me he'd crack and let his feelings come pouring out? That was _not_ going to happen. I guess I just needed to feel I was doing _something_. I was hoping that maybe eventually he'd give me some clue as to what was wrong, but I knew it was a foolish thing to believe.

By the fourth day, I was getting edgy. I hated this, this _uselessness_. I couldn't help but feel I should have called Carla on that first day here. I was almost sure that she or Ghandi could have gotten through to him. I wasn't good at the whole emotion thing. All I could do was follow him in a borderline creepy way and have the occasional angry outburst around him. What good was I? In fact, when I'd been sitting outside, waiting for him to come out of the hospital, I was so, _incredibly_ close to driving back to Sacred Heart and getting JD's besties to come and help him since it was out of my hands. I had actually turned the car on and put it in drive, just about to pull out of my parking space when he came out of the hospital. He walked to the exit, as usual. Then he turned _right_. Was this what I'd been waiting for? Some sort of deviation from the norm?

I waited a few minutes before driving slowly out of the car park after him. I wasn't sure if he knew I was there, but on the off chance he didn't, I wasn't about to bring it to his attention. After about five minutes, he hailed a cab and got in. I had to smile a little; the whole following a taxi thing was like something out of a bad movie.

It wasn't a long drive, fifteen minutes tops. The taxi pulled up outside a tall, iron fence. There was a gate with a sign on it a little further along. Although I was too far away to read it, I didn't need to. The lines of grave stones spoke for themselves. I got as far as opening the gate before I hesitated. If he was here visiting family, then it was a personal time. As much as I wanted to know as much about this new him as possible, I wasn't sure it was right to pry. On the other hand, _this_ could be the thing I was looking for. That made my decision for me. I stepped through the opening, rationalising it in my mind that this was something I needed to do, as much for me as for him.

I followed the paved path, weeds poking through the cracks. If that and the uncut grass was anything to go by, it didn't look like this place was very well tended. As JD came into view, I paused. My thoughts from before were creeping back as I watched him stare intently at one of the graves. I shouldn't have come here. I needn't have come here. I could wait for him outside, and now that I knew where to look I could come back another time and see who he was missing. That was the right thing to do. I turned away and took a step forward, before wavering again. I turned away from the gate and was stunned to find JD right in front of me.

"I didn't think you'd follow me here." He stated. For a few seconds I was too taken aback at the fact that he hadn't ignored me that.

"I…I intruded." I admitted, the closest I was ever likely to get to apologising. He shook his head.

"Oh, not that. I already know that you and society have differing views on acceptable behaviour. I just underestimated your persistence."

"I can be very persistent. Like if I'm going up against Kelso, I-"

"I'm sorry," he interrupted, "I meant I underestimated your persistence for something that really has nothing to do with you." I shrugged. "I suppose if I leave now, you're just going to go over there and look at the names anyway?" I shrugged again. He sighed. "Fine. That one there," he pointed somewhere behind him, "is my dad." I leant sideways to look around him and frowned.

"The giant penis?" I glanced back at him.

"_Pencil_" he snapped. Oh yeah. So it was. He must get the phallic thing a lot. "But yes. And the one next to it is my brother. So now, please go ahead and enjoy my pain, because let's face it, mourning just isn't _fun_ if there isn't some jackass laughing at you." If I hadn't been so used to being insulted and guilt tripped, mostly thanks to Jordan, I probably would have winced at the venom in his voice.

"Yeah. I… I should go."

"Hey, that's a good idea. Why didn't _I_ think of it? Oh, but now just wait a second…" I rolled my eyes.

"I meant I should leave the cemetery. That is, if you're not done…"

"Well you've gone and ruined the moment, so…" He shrugged. "Besides, I need to get back to check on my mom."

"How is your mom doing anyway?" He stiffened.

"I... Why the Hell do _you_ want to know?".

"Now hold on there, Susie. I just meant what with daddy passing and then little Danielle that she might still be a little upset." He glared at me, fire in his eyes and jaw twitching. I glanced downwards and noticed his fists clenching sporadically.

"You _bastard_", he whispered. Then I was left stumbling as he pushed me out the way and almost ran out of the cemetery. Woah. It seemed I'd hit a nerve. Then I had a flash of inspiration. Maybe this all came down to his mom. Could she have…? I started towards the two graves, breaking into a jog as I grew more confident. I stopped in front of them. _Samuel Mathew Dorian… Daniel James Dorian…_ But no Barbara Dorian. She wasn't dead. But I was still sure she had something to do with all of this. I just had to figure out what.


	7. Chapter 7

**I've actually nearly finished writing this story, although I do still have quite several chapters to put up. I'm glad people still like it.**

_I watched from a distance as JD made his goodbyes to his friends. All four of them looked like they were about to cry or something. For a tiny moment, I desperately wanted to be there with them. Not the hugging or the crying, but to be in a position where it was really appropriate for me to say goodbye and wish him luck. But it just wasn't something that I could do, especially not in front of people. I was about to walk away when I saw him looking over at me. I saw him say something to his friends and then jog towards me._

"_What say you, Newbie." I greeted him in my usual way._

"_Hey. Look, uh… I just wanted to say that it's been great working with you for the last three years." I knew what I should say. I should agree with him, tell him that he wasn't that bad really, shake his hand. I opened my mouth, still mentally preparing myself for what I was about to do-_

"_So what got your brother?" What?!_

"_What?!" He frowned. _

"_Uh…" Dammit! Why the Hell had I said that? God, I really was useless. "I was just…well you never said why he…so I thought…" He looked at me weirdly._

"_Ok…" He cleared his throat. "Well if you want to know…There was a fight in the bar he worked in. He went into break it up and.. Well, one of the guys had a knife, so..." I frowned._

"_Did they get him?""_

"_What?"_

"_The guy who with the knife. Have they got him yet?"" _

"_Oh. No. It's... It's not really that uncommon where they...where I used to live. The police just aren't...I don't know, interested? They don't really ever bother looking into it." This really wasn't the direction I'd had in mind for the conversation. I really had no idea why I'd asked about this anyway. All I could think was that I wanted to know the details of why he was leaving. Why, though, I didn't know. _

_I really did need to say something else now, preferably something that I'd planned on saying earlier. _

"_So, look, Newbie-"_

"_Bambi!" Carla appeared at his side and put an arm around his waist. "You… You need to leave now if you're going to get there in time." He nodded._

"_I guess I'll see you around." Then he turned and went with Carla for one last tear-filled goodbye with the others, before finally leaving the hospital._

* * *

I knocked on the door in front of me, thanking God that interns everywhere were frightened of me. Getting this address from that intern (I thought he was called Graham) had been too easy. If I'd been into utilizing overused and clichéd phrases, I might have described it as being like taking candy from a baby. Thank the lord I _never_ talked like that. It would be Hell.

I took a step back and looked at the house. It was spread over three floors and was actually surprisingly ugly, though I guessed the neighbourhood didn't do much for it. The whole place looked rough, unexpectedly so, and I wondered if this was where JD had grown up. If so, his childhood had been very different to how I'd imagined.

The door opened and a middle aged woman came into view.

"Mrs. Dorian?" I asked.

"Can I help you?" She asked. There was a slight waver in her voice as if she was nervous.

"I was wondering, does John Dorian live here?" You couldn't always trust interns. It was best to check these things. There was an almost unnoticeable change from nervous to what I thought was relief on her face.

"Yes, but he's not in right now. I'll tell him you came." She made to shut the door, but I stepped forward and put a hand on the wood, effectively stopping her.

"Actually, it was you I came here to see." She froze.

"Oh. Well, er… Excuse me, but who are you?"

"My name's Dr. Cox. I worked at JD's old hospital?"

"I remember him mentioning you." She moved to the side "Come in then." I walked past her. She shut the door and led me to the lounge. "Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?" I shook my head and turned my attention to the photos lining the walls. There were a couple of ones with four people in them, presumably the whole Dorian family, but most of them were of JD and Dan at various stages of their lives. Mrs. Dorian sat down on the sofa, and I followed suit, taking a seat in an armchair. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to have a conversation without being rude to or insulting the other party.

"First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's been a year, but…" I could tell she was uncomfortable with the topic. More than uncomfortable. Her eyes kept flickering away from me and even from where I was I could tell that she was breathing faster.

"Yes. Well, uh… Like you said, it was a year ago." She let out a short, high-pitched, fake laugh. What a great start. I rapidly changed the subject.

"I was here visiting JD." I informed her.

"Oh? Catching up on old times?" She asked with false airiness.

"Not so much. That's actually what I wanted to ask you about. He's different to how he was when I last saw him. In a… Well I guess in a bad way. I was wondering, has he…has he said anything to you about…?" I could tell that she was still trying to compose herself. It was a little odd that she was so worked up about this still, but then it had only been a year. It was entirely understandable that she was still upset.

"No, he hasn't said anything to me…about that." She laughed the same put-on laugh as before. "Actually, he doesn't talk to me much anymore." I frowned. How could she not know? She was the kid's mother, for Christ's sake.

"Well, has he said anything _at all_ that might suggest…?" She shook her head.

"No, you don't understand. He doesn't talk to me anymore. At all." I was taken aback. I supposed this must be part of the whole change thing. I looked back over at the photos on the wall, all filled with the exact same goofy smile. The old Newbie. And by God, I wanted him back. I glanced back over at Mrs. Dorian. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry that this is upsetting you. But I _must_ know. Do you have any idea, at all, what changed?" She let out a sob.

"I-It's _my _fault." She whispered. "I… I said... And Dan!" She gave another sob. "I-I didn't m-mean to-to… God knows I didn't… But he just... And now I may as well have l-lost both my s-sons! " I shifted awkwardly in my seat. What was I supposed to do? Go over there and comfort her? Offer kind words from here? Leave?

"I…I'm sorry, Mrs. Dorian. I didn't mean to upset you." She shook her head.

"No, I…" She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I couldn't help you more. I suppose you'll want to leave now?" I nodded, seeing as she didn't seem to be offering me any other choice.

"Thank you for your time." I followed her back to the front door and gave her a nod in parting. I walked slowly back to my car. I was sure this all came back to JD's mom. I just didn't know if I would ever find out how.


	8. Chapter 8

**Well, it's been a pretty long (relatively) time since my last update. Like I said, I'm really busy right now, but fortunately (I suppose) I've been ill for the last couple of days which has given me plenty of time to finally get this story finished. There's only going to be one more chapter after this. There were going to be more, but when it came down to it I didn't have enough story to do more. **

I didn't see JD until late the next day. I went into the hospital at a time that I knew would be at the end of his shift in the hope that he wouldn't be that busy. I stuck my head inside the doctors' lounge we'd been in before. He was sitting on a sofa, staring at a switched off TV. He didn't acknowledge me to begin with, so I just stood in front of, hands in pockets.

"You went to see my mom." He said, finally.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "Nice lady." He didn't say anything. "She uh... She said you don't talk to her much anymore." He shrugged.

"How _dare_ you." I frowned.

"What?"

"You can spend all your time following me around, intrusive as it is. But how _dare_ you drag my mom into this!" He stood up, quite suddenly. "What _right_ do you have to ask her the things you did?!" Then he shoved me with one hand. I remembered the last time he did this, and promised myself I would not repeat my actions. I would do better this time.

"Look, JD, I only went to see her because I care about you. I needed to-"

"_What_ could you have possibly _needed_ to do? I came home last night, and my _mother_ was in tears. Because of you!" He shoved me again.

"And I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset-"

"You came to _my_ house, again, upset _my_ mom, and for what?! For your own personal gain?! And now _she_ blames herself even more for blaming me!" Ok, maybe this was good. Let him get his anger out, even if it meant I got pushed around a bit.

"Ok, and maybe that was wrong of me, but-" He punched me, causing me to stumble backwards, more from the shock than the force of the blow. Time for a different approach. I put both hands on his chest and almost threw him backwards onto the sofa. "Dammit, Newbie! I'm getting pretty tired of this! I've always done my best to help you, and maybe before I didn't do a very good job of it. But I'm re-_heally_ trying now! I'm making a lot of effort here, and to be honest I'm sick of you always fighting me on this! Whatever you say, something _is_ wrong. I would _love_ to be able to help you with whatever it is that happened, but if you don't get a grip on yourself, I really won't bother. I mean why is it that you won't tell me? Is it because it's me? Should I put in a call to Ghandi, or Barbie, or Carla? Would you talk to them? Am I doing something wrong? Do I need to hit you? Give you a hug? You just tell me, JD, and I'll do it. But stop messing me around!" We stared at each other, both breathing heavily. I could tell the instant after I'd finished talking that I'd done the wrong thing. Again. The anger that had been in his eyes had disappeared and the cold emptiness was back. I bit back a groan, sure it could only worsen the situation. "Look, Newbie…" I trailed off. I didn't have anything to say.

"I never asked you to come here." He stated quietly. I could do nothing but wordlessly nod in agreement.

I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I didn't mean that." I told him. What he said next surprised me.

"Yes, you did." I opened my mouth, ready to vehemently deny it. But I didn't. Because when I really thought about it, he was right.

"I'm sorry I hit you." He apologised. I shrugged. It hadn't really hurt that much anyway.

"Don't worry about it. Besides, you owed me one." An awkward silence descended on the room, and I got the feeling that I would have to be the one to break it. "So about what your mother said… You don't talk to her anymore?" He shrugged.

"Not really." I waited for him to offer more, but he didn't.

"She seemed to think that this…with you…is somehow her fault." I said it almost like a question.

"I suppose it is in a way, not that I blame her for it." I sat down next to him.

"JD, could you _please_ tell me what's going on?"

"She asked me to talk to you. She said…well you don't need to know the details. So here I am, giving it my best shot." We both sat in silence, both of us now staring at the black screen of the television. After several minutes he spoke again. "With Dan…It was my fault." I was taken aback.

"_What_?"

"It was my fault Dan died." He repeated very slowly, like he was talking to a child.

"But…How…?" I shook my head, trying to gather my thoughts. "You were at Sacred Heart when he… when it happened." He turned his head to face me, anger clear on his face.

"That's just it! _I_ was supposed to be here, not him!" I stared at him. "I told you that someone needed to be here for my mom, didn't I? He put his whole life on hold so that I could become a doctor. Everything crappy about his life, everything that all of you at the hospital looked down on, that was _all_ because of me."

"Well maybe, but surely he-"

"I was supposed to have already come home! After I finished medical school… I was supposed to intern at the hospital I'm at now. But then there was Turk… You know he was probably the first real friend I ever had?" I tried to ignore the disbelief I felt. JD just seemed so…likeable. I knew that he hadn't exactly been popular, but I'd assumed that he'd had at least a few friends. "So when he told me that he'd managed to get us both places at Sacred Heart, I didn't…I couldn't say no. And Dan… He was so supportive of that. So understanding…" I glanced over at him again. I could see that were suppressed tears in his eyes. "I think it goes without saying that if I'd been here when I was supposed to have been, he wouldn't have been here a year ago. He wouldn't've…" He closed his eyes. "It's my fault." He whispered. And suddenly, everything became clear. How his mom was involved in all this. Yes, JD blamed himself. But more importantly:

"JD…your mom doesn't blame you…right?" He opened his eyes and looked at me.

"How could she not?" He asked bitterly. I stayed silent, not sure what kind of answer I could give. "It's my fault. And we both know it. But she feels guilty for blaming me, so she blames me for that too."

"JD…you don't…she doesn't really think that, right?"

"This is how it's always been." He shrugged. I suddenly felt like I had a clear understanding of JD's childhood. I felt that I now knew why he was always so keen to prove that if something went wrong with a patient, it wasn't his fault. Why he had looked so incredibly crushed when I blamed him for Ben's death, despite the fact he must have known he had nothing to do with it. Or at least, I thought he knew that. I was wondering now if he still thought that was his fault.

"So…your mom blames you for things often?" I questioned. He shrugged again.

"She… Sometimes she suffers from depression. And when I was little, she used to say a lot of stuff was my fault." I opened my mouth to apologise, but he shook his head. "Forget it, ok? I know she didn't really mean most of it, and I'm over it."

"But that's what I'm thinking. You say she didn't really mean most of it, so are you sure she meant it this time?" He sighed.

"Yes." I waited for him to elaborate. "A couple of weeks after I got here, she…I think she'd had too much to drink...and it all just came out. I…I thought that she might not mean it, so the next day when she was more…rational, I asked, and she…she told me how she felt about it." He rubbed his hands over his eyes, taking deep breaths. "Y-You know what the worst part is?" He asked, his voice wavering. I shook my head slowly. "It never even occurred to me before she said anything. And even then she p-practically had to spell it out." I watched as he screwed his eyes shut, watched as he bit his lip; watched as the cracks formed in his carefully constructed wall.

"JD…" I whispered and put my hand on his shoulder. He let out a small gasp, which then turned into a choked sob.

"You-you were r-right before. I-If it had been a-anyone else but you… I m-might have told them s-sooner." I frowned.

"Why? I mean, sure, we were never friends, but you always came to me if you needed help." He swallowed. The tears in his eyes remained unshed. He was still fighting this break.

"I…I thought…" I nodded in what I hoped was an encouraging way. "Turk, or Carla…They'd t-tell me it wasn't my fault. That I-I shouldn't blame myself. B-But they'd say that whether they thought it or not. You… I knew you'd be honest with me. A-And I was s-scared…s-so scared that you-you'd tell me it was my f-fault. A-And mean it." He scrubbed at his eyes with his hands again. I stared at him. He really…he really cared what _I_ thought, _that much_? I'd known that for some inexplicable reason he'd wanted to be like me, but…

"Newbie…" Then I did something I never thought I'd do. I put my other hand on his other shoulder, and pulled him towards me. His head fell onto my shoulder. And JD cried, something that, in all honesty, I'd never seen him do before. I wondered if this was the first time he'd cried for his brother, and maybe his dad too.

The hug lasted a lot more than three seconds, and I could feel his breath on my neck. And if I was being truthful, the whole thing had made me uncomfortable. But I knew he needed it, so I didn't complain. And I hadn't _really_ minded _that_ much.

"Was it my fault?" I heard him ask quietly once he'd calmed down a bit.

"Do you think it is?" I felt him nod against my shoulder. "So will me telling you otherwise really change your mind?" He shook his head.

"Do…Do you blame me?"

"No. JD, of course I don't blame you. And I'm not convinced your mom really does either. I think you should try talking to her again."

"I…I know. And I want to. But every time I'm near her, all I can think is that I took Dan away from her. I can't say anything. I can't even look her in the eyes, like I said. I just…I don't feel like I have that right anymore."

"JD, you need to be strong about this. I know you don't like upsetting other people, but I think you really need to sort this out for yourself before you can worry about her." He nodded. "Go home JD. You need to do this." He nodded again, and then moved away from me. We looked at each other for a few seconds before he turned to leave the break room. "And JD?" I called after him. He paused. "It wasn't your fault." Even from this distance, I could see that he was more relaxed as he went through the gate. I was amazed that hearing those four words could have such a big impact on him.

**Hope you liked it folks!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Dun, dun dun! Last chapter! I'd like to thank you all for reading, and for reviewing! It's been great!**

**I'd like to know what you think of this - I sort of think that maybe the story ends too quickly, and that JD is perhaps a little out of character, both for the actual show and for my story. But I don't know.**

I didn't see JD the next day. Or the next. Or the next. I went into the hospital and was told that he'd taken his first couple of days off in a year as he was moving into a new apartment. I was torn between leaving him be and going and sticking my nose in to see how everything was working out. Well, I say I was torn, but I knew the entire time which side was going to win out.

That was why, on the fourth day, after visiting the address I had frightened out of one of the nurses, I was waiting somewhat impatiently for the front door to open. When it finally did, Newbie was standing in front of me in jeans and a T-shirt.

"Hi." I greeted lamely. He raised an eyebrow, a very, _very_ small smile playing on his lips.

"You don't need to seem so taken aback. You were expecting me to be here, right? " Inwardly, I was flooded with relief that he seemed to be ok. Not back to how he used to be, certainly, but better.

"Well, yeah, but… I don't know." I eventually said, shrugging. He rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, did you want something?" I froze for a second, unsure of what I'd actually intended to do here. In the end, I returned to something I knew I'd done a long time ago.

"We're going out for a drink." I told him, and after taking a second to check he was wearing shoes, I grabbed his arm and pulled him to my car.

I drove us to the same bar we'd gone to on that first day, though we took a seat at a table in the corner rather than at the bar.

"So how are you?" I asked, interrupting the silence.

"I don't know… As good as I can be, I guess."

"The hospital said you took a few days off to move." I said as a question. He shrugged.

"I talked to my mom, and… Well living with her isn't going to work out." He was quite for a few minutes, lost in his thoughts, though not one of his old day dreams. Quite honestly, I didn't really believe I'd ever see one of those again. Still now wasn't the time to bring that up. I could read between the lines after all; looked like his mom really meant what she said. "She's going to live with her sister, somewhere." He added.

"Oh." I replied. "What about you?" He shrugged.

"I…I don't know. I think I'm gonna stay here." I was shocked. I'd thought that he'd love to come home.

"Wh…What?"

"Come one, Perry. I just bought my own place here and I'm doing well at the hospital." He hesitated for a second. "Harsh as it sounds, I think getting away from my friends at Sacred Heart has let me the kind of doctor I've always wanted to be." I got the impression that when he said 'friends' he was including me too. I supposed what he sad was fair. As nice as it was to have good friends at work, it was easy to get reliant on them. And in terms of developing as a doctor, it was probably easier for him not to have any outside demands on him. He seemed to have sensed my disappointment (I was finally able to admit that that was how I felt) at what he'd said as he carried on. "I mean I might come back eventually, in a few years, but for now…" I took a long sip of my drink and he followed suit.

"How are you doing? You know…_emotionally_." I still wasn't quite able to say that without a tinge of sarcasm.

"I'm…I'm ok." He didn't say anything more, but I understand. He didn't mean ok, as in 'I'm fine', he meant ok as in 'I'm totally lost but I'm not comfortable delving that deep into my emotions right now.' I'd been there myself. But I knew that to help him, he'd have to say a little more.

"Do…Do you still think it's your fault?" He nodded slowly.

"Don't get me wrong, it means a lot that you don't blame me, but… I can't change how I feel." He paused to take another drink. "I'm…God this is going to sound soppy…but I'm not sure who I am anymore." We looked at each other and both chuckled. That was pretty much the end of any deep conversation we had that day.

I popped round to JD's apartment the next day. I really needed to get back to the hospital, and although I didn't want to leave so soon after getting through to him, I didn't really have a choice.

We were sat in his living room, neither of us saying anything until we'd finished our coffee.

"Well, Newbie, it's been good seeing you again." He nodded.

"You should come again." He invited, although it sounded a bit empty. I didn't expect to see him again any time soon. He wanted space, and I understood that.

"Er…I was wondering, what am I supposed to be telling your gal pals when I get back?" He shrugged.

"Do you really need to tell them anything?" I rolled my eyes.

"You _have_ met them." He shrugged. I sighed. "Look it, the way I see it is I can either tell them the truth, and they'll be visiting you and phoning you every minute of the day, or I can tell them you're fine and dandy, and they'll be visiting you and phoning you every minute of the day. So which would you prefer?"

"You could just tell them I'm busy." He suggested.

"Ok, _here's_ an idea. How about _you_ come back with me and tell them whatever the hell you want." He stiffened.

"Perry, I've already said that-"

"I don't mean to stay. I mean that if you dropped by to say hi, that should buy me…oh, at least a week of them _not_ bothering me."

"How can I do that?!" He blurted out, standing up. "Huh? 'Cause I could swear we talked yesterday about how _lost_ I am right now." I stood up to.

"It's easy, Mary-Beth. You stare off into the distance and say stupid things all the time. No one will be any the wiser. So you've got between now and when I get to the bottom of the stairs, because _someone_ didn't see fit to live in an apartment block with an elevator, to make you mind up." I turned and stormed out the front door and marched down the steps.

By the time I'd reached the parking lot, I'd given up on him chasing after me and suspected that I'd never hear from him again. But he always did surprise me.

"I can't be him anymore." He called after me. I froze. "I can't stare off into the distance without thinking about everything I want to ignore, and I can't say stupid random stuff without all the things I want to hide from them coming out. I can't even _pretend_ to be him anymore." I turned around to face him, a small smile on my face.

"Then you're going to have to find someone new to be, Newbie. And I'm willing to bet that to do that you need to really _think_ about who you used to be. So are you coming?" I opened the car door on the driver's side.

"Yeah. I think I am."

**The End**

**I'm actually really proud of myself. This is really the first multi-story chapter I've ever finished. It's also the first story I've ever really had any reviews for.**

**Thanks!**


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